Why. Why. Why.

I'm still recovering from rejection. That job should have been mine. Everything about the role screamed Ruby, especially the virtual part.

In AA, we talk about not just the problem, but also the solution. My solution to these negative feelings: I keep telling myself that God and The Universe have something better for me. As I grit my teeth and kick dirt up, "Thank you God for for showing me that the virtual opportunity was not meant for me and thank you for planning something better." Womp Womp.

Although I know it's true, it still stung when I called the office furniture place to cancel my desk. Could have kept it, but when the shipping company told me the entire order was 555 pounds and I'd have to lift it off myself in 7 boxes, and even though DZP was able and willing to help --- I told them to cancel it. Didn't have the desire to carry in all that shit, assemble it....with no job? Plus --- 555 pounds?? Holy crap. Maybe I need to downsize.

The horseshoe, I'm keeping ;)

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Roscoe successfully made the long trip from LA back to the midwest. Frankly I do not know how his car made it --- must have a guardian angel riding shotgun.

He's called and texted a few times, wanting to see me and the babies. When he calls he's always drunk.
Last night he wanted to come by early this a.m. Okay I said, knowing he would never do it once sober. I was right --  this morning --  no call or text from him.

Should be interesting with Roscoe back in town.
----------

Diet? What diet?

Okay, I derailed a bit this weekend with DZP and son (Thai food). And last night. But still on plan. Haven't bothered to weigh myself though. Going by the way my clothes fit. Then I'll weigh.

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Billy relapsed. On crack. Last weekend. He confessed everything and has been attending meetings regularly. I really admire his honesty and gumption regarding AA. He just never gives up even when he fucks up. Most addicts keep their relapses a secret.

I'm 23 days sober from alcohol, BTW.

Dorothy has yet to return to AA since causing the accident. I know she's deep in the throes of her addiction now -- self-medicating. I pray daily for her to return .

Recently, Billy had a surgery in his left eye -- how he afforded it, I'll never know. Being blind in the left eye, this was the only operation that could fix it. And the chances were slim he'd ever see again from that eye.

He can now see.

Okay need a miracle like that in my own life.

Hi Ruby:

I'm very sorry for the short notice, but unfortunately we need to cancel the interview that you had scheduled for today.

Rather than wasting your time, I wanted to be very upfront about this. We conducted a first interview with another
candidate who impressed us so much that we decided to offer them the position.

We really enjoyed your interview, which is why we invited you back for a second interview, but the other candidate
we spoke with had even more relevant experience and so we decided to offer them a trial.

This doesn't reflect on your application at all. We thought you were fantastic, and we very much enjoyed connecting
with you, and had we not been so impressed with the successful candidate we would have had no reservations about
offering you a positon with our company.

If a second position arises in the future then we will certainly reach out to you.

Thank you again for your application and we'd like to wish you all the best for the future.

Kind regards,

Alice PageCustomer Support Manager

Skipped tonight's AA meeting. A more important task lured me upstairs -- prepare the home office.

You see, that London-based company *called me back* for a second and final interview. The first one, last Monday with the CEO, went very well...lots of camaraderie, agreement and overall good vibes. I knew in my heart they'd call back. And they did.

So I'm taking it a step further. Employing the Law of Attraction, I visualized already having the job and created the emotions surrounding being hired -- elation, relief, confidence, etc. So if they already hired me, I guess it's time to clean out the current home office and buy alot of new shit!

My Danish Modern creation table with rolling credenza. Very late 50s.

24 inches in length. And I love the carnival-like look. Plus it's a horse shoe -- good luck!

A new office chair. But that's not very exciting.

This kick-ass stainless steel fan. Of course I loathe the short blades, but both sides of my office walls slope at an angle. Anything longer that 24" blades...the blades would hit the slopes on the wall.

That's what I've been working on. Because I know the Universe sent this opportunity to me. Only meant for me. I wanted a gig where I stay home to care for my babies, and I wanted to use my certification in Life Coaching. This job offers both! Monday is the second interview. At 9am. Please pray for Ruby!

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To date, I am 7 lbs down. In 4 days. Feeling better!

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Roscoe starts driving back home this Saturday. I don't know why I care. The X.

W is for Waiting ... A - Z Challenge

Just sitting here, WAITING for Roscoe to call.

I know. I know.

We texted back and forth last night. And then today. Nothing heavy. Just each of us admitting our mistakes. Roscoe kept congratulating me on my sobriety. Strange, as he barely commented about me at all near the end of our relationship.

Last night, he said he'd call. Hours later, he texted saying that he doesn't want to jeopardize my sobriety or ruin anything good in my life. Okay.

Today he starts texting me. Wants to hear my voice. So I told him to call. Hours later, still no call.

The cool thing is, although I wouldn't mind chit chatting with him, I don't care that he hasn't called. Just supports the fact that he cannot be relied upon. Unlike DZP

---------

Thanks to my binge drinking (even though I only drank straight vodka with water and lime), I've managed to gain 20 pounds. Yes. There ya go....all those calories and the alcohol. The body treats alcohol like a poison. Your metabolic (fat burning) system shuts down  to focus on eliminating the poison. Alcohol + Sugar, which spikes insulin and slows the fat burning process even more, equals a 20 lb gain. Add food to the mix with a non-functioning metabolism and high insulin......welcome to fattie town.

Over the weekend I started a leaning out plan, which many trainers use today, albeit it's illegal now. Pshaw! Ruby loves illegal things. Anyway, I've done this plan before with miraculous results, but it's not for the weak willed. Day 2, I'm down 2 pounds. I'll be "on plan" until May 28.

In the meantime, I'm WAITING! Anxious to transform my body. My face looks so fat. And nothing fits. Every morning, knowing I'll wake up with a 1-2 pound loss -- the night before, it's hard to sleep. Like how kids anticipate xmas morning! Seeing the scale go down is like the best present at all.

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Have not seen Billy or Dorothy at AA. Hmmm.

V is for Vibe ... A - Z Challege

Past couple days, I've been feeling this VIBE that Roscoe was about to contact me. Maybe because Cinco de Mayo is our anniversary of first meeting.

My vibe was correct. I anticipated it would be two days (Sat.) when he'd text me. Bingo. He texted me last night. And then called me. Very drunk. 2am. Of course, I was wide awake watching prison documentaries, my favorite Saturday night activity. DZP was asleep, so I took Roscoe's call.

I couldn't understand much of what he tried to say. Incoherent. Almost black out drunk...I can read his voice and know what level of drunkenness he's at. But I really wanted to hear some of his LA stories. Why? No idea. I shouldn't care. I was more curious than anything. In my warped mind, I pictured him living the high life, a party every night, girl on each arm. A new, sparkly life for him.

Maybe I wanted to see if i was right about those delusions.

Not right. I texted him this morning and told him I'd be calling shortly, and that I wanted to talk to him, knowing he'd be sober. He complied. And debunked all my delusions about his new life in LA.

First, he's very lonely. None of his friends back home traveled to visit him in the six months he's been in LA. He seemed surprised and very hurt by this.

I asked about the women. I pictured him with a harem of sluts.

There were no women, although I'm sure he tried to mingle and land a new girlfriend. But alas...no one. Last night when we spoke while he was wasted, he kept repeating, "I need a girlfriend. I need someone."

That's his modus operandi...find a lonely, successful woman, shack up with them, and then the woman takes care of everything, including him. Frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't found a GF yet. Roscoe, being very attractive and good in bed with a big dick ... I always thought replacing me with another would be easy for him.

He shared all the concerts he attended, the bars, the sites...celebrities he met. Claimed he kissed Chloe Sevigny (actress) on the hand while escorting her through a crowd at a concert.

Wondering if that's true. Maybe it is...because he always idolized her. Seems far fetched though. Perhaps he merely saw her and had that fantasy in his head. He's been known to exaggerate.

Told me he missed his family. And me. Of course. I'd miss *me* -- all the shit I did for him. Was a wonderful girlfriend.

Actually, I felt great empathy for Roscoe. Especially when he told me about his drinking, which is spiraling out of control. Example - after drinking all night, he sleeps in his car 'til morning. Since he's driving on a suspended license, he doesn't want to take the risk. Sleeping in your car??? He wakes up around 5am and drives himself back to the flat he's squatting in. He claims to perpetuate this ritual on a nightly basis.

Fuck me.

He said AA can't help him. I spoke about my sobriety. He said it was nice to talk to me when I am coherent. He added that speaking to me while I'm sober was like the old days, when I was *more* myself.

All I could think -- "Was I really that bad?" Then again, it's one alcoholic telling another alcoholic how bad she was...without taking a look at himself or what role he played in it. Alcoholics are primed to always blame others without taking responsibility for themselves.

Bro's building project, which Roscoe has been working on and earning pay, is almost over. No more gig and no more money. He leaves LA in a week. His buddy, with whom he has been living, is packing up for Malibu. I guess Roscoe wasn't invited.

You'd think since Roscoe loves LA (the lifestyle), he'd find a way to make it work. But no, he'll keep running. He doesn't trust himself enough to make it on his own. He's never *had* to.

He plans to drive to Detroit and live with his friend Dan (also an alcoholic, but more functioning). While there, I have no doubt his drinking will escalate even more. But Dan has a job, pays his bills, has a schedule to follow. Roscoe -- nothing.

Eventually, he's coming back to town. That's what he said. And for some reason I felt relieved.

U is for UNAMUSED ... A-Z Challenge

Last night's meeting -- no Dorothy or Billy. Oh well. I lived.

But that didn't stop Dorothy from interrupting the meeting. The head chair, Parker (the guy whose car she hit) was called out of the meeting half-way through. Dorthy had called the payphone in the AA house and "desperately" needed to speak with Parker. Of course! Selfish alcoholic can't wait until the meeting ends to talk with him. She must interrupt the meeting! Ugh!

I am UNAMUSED.

Parker asked Ruby to chair the meeting. Yes. Happy to do it, yet pissed at Dorothy, who was probably sitting at home, nursing her bottle of vodka, feeling needy. She knows when meetings start and end, yet she had to call right then and there. She knew Parker chaired Thursday meetings. She knew he'd have to leave the meeting to speak with her. It's all about Dorothy. Now. Now. Now. Pay attention to me. Alcoholics can be that way...most of the time.

Spoke about my biggest challenge during sobriety -- staying present, in the moment -- instead of languishing in the past or worrying about the future. Both result in either resentments (past) or anxiety (future) -- both, the impetus of my drinking.

Funny how many times I catch myself thinking about Roscoe (good and bad), worrying about what will transpire in days to come and missing/ignoring life as it's happening in the present. When my mind wanders, I instantly say  to myself  "stay on page -- stay on the page in front of you" -- then I realign myself to whatever's going on around me. I do this hundreds of times a day. Staying present gives me great peace. Recognizing when you turn back into other chapters of your life or start reading ahead by predicting the future --- yeah, that's when the cravings start.

Funny, Parker was still stuck on the phone with her after the meeting. Walking past, I overheard him saying, "What do you mean your insurance company won't pay?!" His face red, he paced back and forth. Fuckin-A. Seriously? I kept walking. Alcoholics and addicts can be some of the most unreliable and deceitful people around.

Makes me despise this disease even more.

------------

In other news, I snagged a job interview with a coaching company in London for a virtual marketing manager position...one that I was hoping for: Work from home! Since I'm a certified life coach and follow this company on their coaching calls and product launches, I was beyond thrilled when I opened my email this morning, and they wanted to talk with me...Monday 8:30a!

Working from home would also allow me to be with my 4 babies (3 pit bulls and a long-haired cat). They love having me around -- this could be a dream gig!

Please pray for me!

T is for Taboo ... A - Z Challenge

Drama at last night's AA meeting.

Showed at the 5:30 meet up a lil later than usual...5:15p instead of 5:05p. I'm a great follower of schedules, showing up early or on time. Another car sat in my self-prescribed parking space. Damn. It's right across the street from the AA house and a straight shot to my car from the front entrance.

Met up with the smokers outside. Me, with my Vaporizer. Hugged Bob, who most resembles a lanky skeleton of a carny, complete with the pony tail, wrinkled dark skin, prison tattoos and of course...scuffed work boots. Although a veteran of the scene, he recently relapsed on bourbon after years of sobriety.

I asked him if he'd seen Billy lately.

"Yeah, he's inside."

I hopped up, hurrying toward the front door when we heard a loud crash...

An AA member had crashed into another member's car. The very spot where I like to park!! From the smoker's circle, a guy named Parker rushed to his car and began yelling and fussing. Then I heard:

"Oh God, it was Dorothy. She hit Parker's car. Figures! And she just bought that car with her tax refund."

Figures?

I know Dorothy. She had 6 days sober to my one --- I met her my first day back in AA - 9 days ago.

--------

I hustled in the house and into the second room, breezing past Billy, who called out to me in his heavy Bronx accent:

"Ruby! Where you goin?"

Did the moon walk back into the second room (Nah, but it would have been funny), and there sat Billy. All smiles.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I said, matching his smile with that of the Cheshire Cat. "I looked for you at the Tuesday meeting." We hugged. He asked:

"Where were you at the Monday meeting?" No, I did not go that day and decided to stay in and feel somber.

Turns out Billy has been working late. And missed a few meetings. That's all.

----------------------

Dorthy finally entered the meeting room, looking visibly distraught. Crying. Shuffling. She brought her little dog, an aging french bulldog named Lucy. Excited is an understatement about how I felt having a pup to play with in the meeting!

I immediately sat beside Dorthy to comfort her. Told her we all make mistakes, a year from now none of this will matter, Jesus still loves you...all that mess. Pulling her close to me...that's when I smelled it: a heavy scent of alcohol. Very strong. Vodka perhaps. I looked into her eyes, which were drooping and half closed. She was sobbing.

Yep. She was wasted. Hence the accident.

Quite TABOO to show up at AA drunk, but this happens frequently.

And talk about awkward. The victim of the crash (Parker) and Dorthy had to sit in the same room for an hour.

-----------------

I texted Billy a message about the alcohol on Dorthy's breathe. Actually, since he always sits next to me, I just typed up the text and handed him my phone. He read it and nodded, whispering, "I caught a whiff of it when she walked by."

Half way through the meeting, a very stoned Dorothy stood up and attempted to leave the meeting. Heading home or to the liquor store, I'm sure (POOR LUCY!!! With a drunk mommy).

"Someone should take her keys away," Billy said under his breath. 

And before Dorothy could get out the door, Billy stood up and followed her. Along with Bob, the carny, who chased after Billy.

A few minutes later, Billy reappeared. He talked Bob into driving Dorothy (and Lucy) home.

My hero. He's seriously *such* a good-hearted man. Misunderstood by society based on his appearance. 

Going to the meeting tonight ... 5:30p. Hoping to see Dorothy and Billy.

Grateful it wasn't *my* car. As I'm certain my night would have ended up in the bottom of a vodka bottle. Seriously.