I don't mind calling myself an addict.
The name fits my bill. Not happy with myself these days, as I drink daily, always after work. I'm a personal trainer. Yeah. Not what you'd expect of a trainer, but I really don't give a fuck what you think. After I turned 40 my addiction became a mountain I could no longer scale without a tremendous amount of guilt attached. Like an overweight backpack that's killing you with every step. The pain!
And lots of hiding -- I am a master at disguising my addiction. I know to drink coffee before I meet with friends or afternoon clients (not training clients - I have a couple of gigs). Drinking is seriously the highlight of my day. And I know its wrong. Every time I pour copious amounts of vodka into my tumbler, add some lemon and water, I slip into another world with no pain, fear or regret.
My neighbor and also one of my best friends is also a severe alcoholic. Worse than me. We'll call her Sadie. Sadie & I feed off each other. She comes over in the late afternoon most days -completely sloshed. Sometime I've already beaten her to the punch - I start sipping my drinks around 9am. She doesn't wake up until after 12 noon. Always hung over from the night before. Sadie's confessed drinking vodka as soon as she wakes up --like me. She comes from money. Doesn't work. Husband cares for her -- God bless the poor guy. Me -- I've been living off my inheritance. Working from 4am 'til around 8:30am training the fatties as I so affectionately call them. Although I live frugally, I know I can't keep doing this.
My paramour, Roscoe, of 13 years, also an alcoholic, drove my addiction. I allowed it. Couldn't change him, so might as well join in. And seriously, that's how my addiction started. Screw it, I said to myself. If he was drinking, I'd be in the kitchen with my laptop and glass of vodka lemon water (because it saved more calories minus any soda or sugary drink----- remember, I'm a trainer) getting more drunk than him in the first hour. Knock me out, I told myself. And my anger and aggression towards him grew. I don't want to talk about the violence. I started hitting him first. Then he began fighting back. My black eyes told a story. Which I always covered up with another story... "I slipped in the shower....something fell on my face while I was pulling shit out of the closet." People will believe anything, as long as they don't have to hear that you're in an abusive relationship. Hell -- I'm the same way-- oh, that's how you got the bruise??? Sure, makes sense.
Anyway, that's it for now, and I've got more to tell. Just too much to transcribe/handle at this moment. Thanx for reading. xoxo
Tx Josie xoxo
My name is Ruby Baron or RB for short. I'm an addict. I love alcohol, & when in the mood, pot. I'm what they call a functional alcoholic. With my bills paid, no DWIs & a high credit score, I fool a lot of people. I want to be sober more than anything, but I'm not ready yet. My BlogSpot address is misspelled "Rudy." Yeah I was drunk. Go figure.
An incredibly powerful beginning, Ruby. More real than you've ever been before. Gut-wrenching real. It is said that recognizing you have a problem is the first step, and realizing that it's become to heavy to carry on, is the second. I have known you and loved you for several years now, and yes, you cover all the bases well. But we see the pain, and it hurts my heart. I feel privileged to walk with you on your journey, I believe that it can lead you to more peaceful places. I am so glad you've returned to blogging, I've missed you here. And by the way, your blog design is beautiful, stunning really, just like you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Josie, my love and soul sista. You inspired me! Today has been wonderful because you helped give me a voice to my addiction, which I've kept a secret for way too long! I love you for that...always! Now if I can ever figure out blogger!! It's still called back In Black but it's not showing up even though I see it on the template. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAs you know, it is my belief that we are all here in this existence for each other, our sole purpose is to help each other on the journey, to share the walk. We are each other's angels. Your story needs to be told, to help you heal, and to help the rest of us to understand, this other face of addiction that is not so very well known. I think this could well be the intro to a future book, and I'm cheering for you all the way! XOXO (I sent you a FB msg about the title, hopefully it's a simple fix!)
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