I have no family. The "rents" are dead...UGH ...such a stupid term. We called them "parents" back in my day. More respectful. I picked up that lazy moniker from the younger folk. Rents...ha....it makes me sick to relate to the younger generation. They're nothing like me. Just trying to be funny. Big fail.
I disgust myself sometimes.
Mom and dad are dead. Nowhere to be found in my life. Although they haunt my dreams. And when I see them, mom is either always angry with me or buying me clothes that aren't my style. Dad just hangs out, observing my every move. Like an angry owl. Always judging. Figures. What I really want is a group hug with them. Someone to say, "I love you Ruby. I'm still here for you." Oh well. Fuck it. Worse things could've happened to me.
My dreams do not define my life, but probably speak volumes about my subconscious. I miss them so much and feel like an orphan most of the time. Despite being 44 years old.
However, I do have a brother who is eight years older than me. Lives in Los Angeles. And he is a jack off.
Here's why...the cliff notes version: Bro is currently harboring Roscoe, the alcoholic-love-of-my-life, whom I kicked out October 7, 2013. Bro took in Roscoe because bro is gay and gets along with Roscoe. And thinks Roscoe is handsome (which he is). Bro owns multiple properties in LA and needs help managing his properties -- someone he can trust. Roscoe currently gets free room and board, and does about 5 hours of work per day. Otherwise, he's hanging out at the Viper room on Sunset Boulevard, picking up sluts.
Nice.
As soon as I booted out Roscue in October, bro took him in. Says a lot about my only living relative, eh? Again, bro is a jack-off-motherfucker. And he knows it.
And traded in his little sister for Roscoe.
Anyone who knows me and heard this story still stares at me, mouth agape, shaking their head...they always ask "WTF is wrong with your brother?" I still don't know. But I drunk text him when I'm angry and wasted beyond belief.
He never responds.
Roscoe now lives with my brother in LA. Fulltime. Dating LA women and living in my bro's upscale Hollywood Hills home. Bro has not contacted me in four months. Traded me in. I'm waiting for karma to find them both.
And some of you ask why I drink.
Really having a hard time with all of it. But not giving up. Yet. Just languishing in my addiction for now.
But there's got to be a better way. God is testing me. I know it.
I know that orphaned feeling, my father died five years ago and my mother more than ten. Although we didn't have Hallmark greeting card relationships, I miss them. It leaves a hole in my heart, especially on holidays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, etc. There is no place to go that is called "home". I have had off and on relationships with my two sisters, and for the past year or so was not in communication with them at all, it is sadly, just easier that way. But I was determined to do better this year, and we are slowly rebuilding our relationships. Trust? No, that won't come easy, it's going to take a long time.
ReplyDeleteIn your situation, I am so very disturbed by your brother's actions. The very last thing he should be doing as your sole family member is to intentionally cause you estrangement and further hurt by taking in your long-term ex. I don't know what he's thinking, apparently he isn't. What I do know is that we can't change what other people do, you know this too. Our only choice is how we respond to it. Hurt? Oh hell yes, how could you not hurt. I know you've been fairly close at times. As much as possible, I would back away and leave him to his friendship with your ex. Try not to engage in warfare if possible. Kill him with quiet. I suspect the time will eventually come when he will grow weary of Roscoe's issues and they will part ways, about then he will come looking for the sister he pushed aside.
In the mean time, know that family is who we claim, it doesn't have to be blood relatives. Those of us who love you and care about you ARE your family, I promise that you are not alone!
One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn along the way is not to let what other people do, or don't do, become an excuse for what I do. I choose life, and I choose it for you too! :-)
Josie -- Thank you so much for your words. Very powerful comment for me and I'm not easily "reached" these days.
ReplyDelete"One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn along the way is not to let what other people do, or don't do, become an excuse for what I do. I choose life, and I choose it for you too!"
That is powerful. You are wise beyond words. It was a light bulb moment for me.
Bro claims to have taken in Roscoe so I could get sober. I'm laughing as I write this. He says the further he can keep Roscoe away from me, the better off I'll be. Sigh. Bro is fucked up and very selfish, but there's also a compassionate part of me that wonders if he really was trying to care for me. Or...he just thought Roscoe was hot, liked him and trusted him over the cheap mexican labor that's fully accessible to him in managing his properties.
Yet still....he won't call because I ask too many questions about Roscoe. Never checks on his sister. And sober?? Ha.
You're part of my family now. I remember when your father passed and how devastating it was for you. I remember your pictures of him. Even though my memory is bad, I remember you talking about your sisters and the alienation between all three of you...that was when you were with your ex. I remember seeing pix of your ex and how mean he looked. I wonder whatever happened to him?
Love you lady xoxo