Why. Why. Why.
I'm still recovering from rejection. That job should have been mine. Everything about the role screamed Ruby, especially the virtual part.
In AA, we talk about not just the problem, but also the solution. My solution to these negative feelings: I keep telling myself that God and The Universe have something better for me. As I grit my teeth and kick dirt up, "Thank you God for for showing me that the virtual opportunity was not meant for me and thank you for planning something better." Womp Womp.
Although I know it's true, it still stung when I called the office furniture place to cancel my desk. Could have kept it, but when the shipping company told me the entire order was 555 pounds and I'd have to lift it off myself in 7 boxes, and even though DZP was able and willing to help --- I told them to cancel it. Didn't have the desire to carry in all that shit, assemble it....with no job? Plus --- 555 pounds?? Holy crap. Maybe I need to downsize.
The horseshoe, I'm keeping ;)
Roscoe successfully made the long trip from LA back to the midwest. Frankly I do not know how his car made it --- must have a guardian angel riding shotgun.
He's called and texted a few times, wanting to see me and the babies. When he calls he's always drunk.
Last night he wanted to come by early this a.m. Okay I said, knowing he would never do it once sober. I was right -- this morning -- no call or text from him.
Should be interesting with Roscoe back in town.
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Diet? What diet?
Okay, I derailed a bit this weekend with DZP and son (Thai food). And last night. But still on plan. Haven't bothered to weigh myself though. Going by the way my clothes fit. Then I'll weigh.
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Billy relapsed. On crack. Last weekend. He confessed everything and has been attending meetings regularly. I really admire his honesty and gumption regarding AA. He just never gives up even when he fucks up. Most addicts keep their relapses a secret.
I'm 23 days sober from alcohol, BTW.
Dorothy has yet to return to AA since causing the accident. I know she's deep in the throes of her addiction now -- self-medicating. I pray daily for her to return .
Recently, Billy had a surgery in his left eye -- how he afforded it, I'll never know. Being blind in the left eye, this was the only operation that could fix it. And the chances were slim he'd ever see again from that eye.
He can now see.
Okay need a miracle like that in my own life.
Oh Sweet Ruby, I know how hard it is to bounce back from such disappointment. Sometimes things seem so right to us, sometimes people do too, and then it falls thru and leaves us unsure about a Divine Plan, but I'm here to remind you there is one... don't turn that new office into a storage room just yet. You know how the Laws of Attraction work... set your mind on the things you want and need, post a list on the fridge door, keep expecting that miracle and wait for it to appear... and don't be surprised if it looks different than you expected.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you a funny story about that. When I was divorced and living on my own, our friend Jamie told me she felt that I was going to end up with someone named John. Well I met John, and liked him quite a lot, but that didn't work out much to my dismay... then I met another John - Papa Bear, who just happens to have the same birthday as the previous John. See... I had part of the picture right... the name... but the wrong face to go with it! :-) Life is like that! I know you are so ready for a career change, and you know what you feel inspired to do, so stay focused on that outcome and in some fashion it will happen! 555 pounds of desk to lug up the stairs? Yikes!! I'm glad you returned it, don't want to see you and DZP in traction. :-)
I am so delighted and proud of you for staying sober thru all of this... see what determination you have when you put your mind to something good?! It was wonderful to read that Billy is now able to see out of that eye, I hope he uses it to see his way more clearly and stay away from that bad stuff. He sounds like he has a good heart beneath the muck. I love that you also pray for Dorothy who is struggling, she needs those prayers.
Now about Mr. Roscoe, why are you playing with fire here? Is this worth risking the relationship you have now? If you're not sure about your future with DZP that's fine, but you still don't want to be looking backward with nostalgia. It's ok to be Roscoe's friend - from a distance - but it seems like he is working hard to suck you back in, just him making promises that he never keeps, leaves you waiting (and hoping a tiny bit... I know, been there, done that). Sometimes we care about - even love - people who are not good for us, and this is clearly the case. Advise from a nosey old woman... keep your distance and limit contact. It can't lead to anything good, and I don't want to ever see you back in that abusive situation again. Ask yourself what message you're sending DZP about your feelings, if you keep holding on to an edge of the past.
Is it warming up there yet? I am so loving the warm evenings, we were out in the hot tub last night and it was heavenly not to freeze as we ran for the door afterwards!
Hugs to you Ruby, keep fighting the good fight, you are on the right road! OXOX, Mama Jos
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering how you're doing. I've missed hearing from you. Glad to hear that you have been able to stay sober. That's great! I just have to agree that the job wasn't mean to be. Something different and better will happen. Don't let Roscoe's return derail your sobriety!
I was really sad to read about Billy. I'm glad he's back at AA though. That's a step in the right direction. During the time of dealing with my dad, I always was of the opinion that relapse is part of the disease and is likely to happen, but it is not the end and doesn't mean one can't get clean and sober again. You are so kind and you see the best in Billy. He's lucky to have crossed paths with you, and I am certain he feels that.
Keep your chin up, Ruby. Count your blessings and think of all that God has done for you so far. He will not abandon you. Take good care of yourself!
Ruby--- Are you doing okay? Take a moment a write a line or two, just thinking about you. Hugs, old friend. Jamie
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