Z is for ZAPPED - A - Z Challenge

"I took the Medicine 

And I went Missing..."

~The National

Addicts go missing from time to time. 

It's not like we give up and walkaway because of disinterest or lack of discipline. The disease of alcoholism has a voice - one that condemns and shames the addict. Once you hear it - usually after 30 days of sobriety for me - you start listening. Maybe it's right. 

If you're not equipped with a kick ass sponsor and other ammunition, ie the AA Bible, Daily AA prayers, AA Journal, the 12 Traditions, your personal AA call list of numbers to other recovering addicts, who promise to be there for you before The Big Slip. From what I hear, a chief complaint of the AA buddy system is:  try to call and you go straight to voicemail. Leave a message. If one out of seven answers, you're lucky.

Anyway -- I slipped big time last week. And MTW of this week. No one knew. Except Helen, my alcoholic next-door neighbor and dear, dear friend, my best partying buddy ever. And we enable eachother on a regular basis.

Haven't been going to meetings. Feeling lost and alone; ready to lose it because my inner gremlin attacked- and started winning the fight. Couldn't shake the horrible insults hurled at me, like boulders one after one - thrown from a cliff  "somewhere in Appalacia" -- sorry, referencing Nabokov's Lolita there... 

Anyway...

Then the free floating anxiety began. A dark heavy energy in my chest. Hard to breathe. Fear of going to sleep because my mind won't stop - fear of staying up all night and feeling like shit in the a.m.

Fear of becoming that old me - before my 30+days sober.

So this past Thursday, I began the pursuit of petitioning my Heavenly Constituents, The Saints, The Trinity and a slew of guardian angels As if to confess: I fucked up! I cannot stand my life. I need your help and can't do this alone. For Saint Anthony, I petitioned - I'm lost, help me find myself. I thought he wouldn't mind that request. Still relevant to His mission. ;)

After fervent prayer, and several hours later - that dark energy in my chest began to lift. Then much later, I began encountering articles and helpful messages on-line that relate to my current mental duress. 

And today, as I sat in my living room,  DZP startled me, calling me to come outside. He pointed to a beautiful rainbow that had landed on *my* lawn, pointing directly at  my house! So close to where I stood in awe.

One of my biggest prayers was for signs - that things will be okay, what am I supposed to do to know God's path for me, etc. Having experienced this subtle reminder from Heaven, it really ZAPPED my alignment with the Universe. In a Spiritual Way.

The other thing - all these signs and messages came to vision gradually from Thursday to today. Testing my faith of course. Would I give up before the miracle happens?

I thanked my Heavenly Constituents, feeling so much relief and gratitude for the moment, and for giving me the ability to maintain faith to *see* the messages. Also for DZP -- for showing me the "sign." What a blessing he is.

I still can't believe that a fucking rainbow landed in my lawn.  

Going back to AA tomorrow.

Will continue looking for more "signs."