So, regarding my "Come Back" Week, how did it go?
* Didn't attend a single AA meeting.
* Drank 4/7 days.
* No exercise, unless you include lots of housework.
* No daily blogging.
* Lots of Job Searching though. I want to work with a charity of some kind.
Biggest Accomplishment this week:
I allowed Roscoe to come over and pick up some of his items. Packed them up in a few tubs. Not everything, but it's a start.
Seeing Roscoe after 8+ months, for the first time ---- it was a little unnerving and of course bitter sweet. More bitter than sweet. After the dogs attacked him with some initial hesitation, I offered him a cup of coffee and to sit a while.
No coffee.
He sat and we exchanged a few updates. I mentioned nothing about DZP. Roscoe critisized my cleaning or lack there of. Read: Some dog hair on the hardwood floors. It's shedding season. Sue me.
He began asking about family photos his mom wanted back. And did I throw them out? Probably. When I was very drunk. Several years ago. After he left me for the 21 year old slut. I know it's wrong. But I admitted nothing.
"Well if you find any photos let me know. I'll be in town until the 19th."
"Where are you going?"
"New York."
Ah yes. Months ago via text, he mentioned that he had met someone...."But she lives in New York" he said. And I felt some energy from him at that moment: He was quite smitten over her. Of course. Of fucking course. If it were only that easy to get over a 13 year relationship that usually ruled in favor of the alcoholic I was harboring. It hurts to even write this.
He even had the audacity to criticize that I didn't have everything all packed up. Nice and tidy.
"You only packed up the crap! he complained. "I thought you said you boxed things up," he repeated over and over. Attempting to launch a guilt trip of sorts. He walked around the rooms anxiously asking, "Where this? Where's that? Did you give my stuff to DZP?" Ugh. No No. Maybe. Probably.
Actually I gave DZP's sons some big stacks of magazines he'd collected, which I knew he'd never read. He didn't bother to ask for them either.
I allowed him to mull around and pack up a few more items. Sitting downstairs while he rooted around in the upstairs library, all I could think about was this girl in New York.
After he left, I called my bro, hoping to extract some info about her. He had lived with Roscoe and referenced the fact that he knows a lot about Roscoe's partner searches.
At first bro played clueless.
"Really? New York? Wow."
What else do you know.
"Nothing. Really! I mean, I think she has 2 kids."
Two kids? What else do you know and why hide this from me.
A small fight broke out.
"I don't appreciate being brow beaten over this."
Interesting choice of words.
"Well sorry about that." And I explained how it's still hard for me, blah, blah, blah.
-----
My goal for this week's "Come Back" Challenge.
*Attend AA Daily
*Exercise at gym daily, even if just a bit
*Write here daily
*No drinking
*More reading (all the books I've been meaning to read)
*Be kind to myself
*Pray
My name is Ruby Baron or RB for short. I'm an addict. I love alcohol, & when in the mood, pot. I'm what they call a functional alcoholic. With my bills paid, no DWIs & a high credit score, I fool a lot of people. I want to be sober more than anything, but I'm not ready yet. My BlogSpot address is misspelled "Rudy." Yeah I was drunk. Go figure.
Not a great week for you, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I'm hoping that this "charming" visit from Roscoe was enough to refresh your memory on what a kind, supportive person he can be. I would have long since had his shit packed and waiting in the garage... or on the curb. I hope he does move to New York, and stay there. It really doesn't matter who he is with sweetie, as long as it's not with you. He didn't treat you well, he didn't care enough. He hurt you way to many times for too long.
ReplyDeleteYou've got a good plan for the coming week though.. begin again, always begin again. We can do it as many times as we need and still wake up breathing in the morning! You know the changes that need to happen, and I know you have the inner strength and determination to make them happen. Show me some of that Sid on fire stuff and get it done! Hugs and prayers coming your way, you'll get this. It's all part of the dance, Dear Friend! OXOX
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteYou knew this wouldn't be easy. The sooner he goes, the better for you I think. I think if you have other things that you allow yourself to be occupied with, you will have less time to sit and think about him. Continue to focus on you and staying sober and exercising. Your plan for the week sounds good. Thinking of you and wishing you much success this week.