Back In Black

Tonight's AA meeting was essential for me.

Had been battling bad anxiety over tomorrow - covering up Roscoe's name on my neck. Helped to be around folks at the meeting who understand.

Also I think I found my biological father today. (I know, right??!!) Weeks ago I submitted a saliva test to find my history. Maybe locate my biological parents.

The irony, my bro purchased the test for me on my last birthday. I scoffed at it, threw the box on the dining room table and ignored submitting the test for 8 months. Until recently.

Just received the results last night. I have over 900+ relatives that matched my DNA. And my heritage is actually British and Irish.

Also, pretty sure my new family contact, Joyce (a distant cousin) ***knows*** who my dad is:

Based on our DNA and links to other family, Joyce described a man who was a 1) jazz musician, 2) lived in the round about areas when I could have been born...AND 3) my adoptive mom had confirmed the jazz musician part to me long ago, before she passed. My new contact also told me dad was a hardcore addict.

He committed suicide while high on drugs. Shot himself on the front lawn. The wife was leaving him. His name was Dean.

So now I know how I became an addict.

This has **got** to be the guy.

And he's fucking dead.

Out of all the relatives, there's only a handful out of 900 who live/lived in the area where I was born.

I wonder if Joyce will respond to me again with more updates. She seems hesitant a bit. Just what I'm sensing.

Absolutely fascinating to find remnants of  family.

I'm so grateful that my bro bought me the test. We've been rather close lately now that we have Roscoe as the common enemy -- finally. I'm thrilled and grateful that bro and I are still together.

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I've decided to have the Roscoe tattoo lasered first. It's way too dark of a piece to cover (was redone twice) to look spectacular after a cover up. It happens to be on the sexiest part of my neck too. Don't want mediocre. Meeting my artist anyway tomorrow to do some touch ups. As a result of this decision, I found an amazing amount of peace. It just felt right. And the anxiety about the tattoo vanished almost instantly.

Bro likened the laser treatments as a gradual healing process, like healing from Roscoe. As the tattoo fades, so will the past, leaving space for the new. Sometimes bro kicks ass.  :)

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Got a job interview this Thursday at 2pm with an awesome charity that helps the homeless. So excited!!! If this pans out my prayer will be answered. Dear God, I need a fresh start somewhere, where I can make a family and fulfill God's purpose for me -- helping others. That's all I want. All I want.