L is for Loner....A - Z Challenge

In high school, I was treated like a freak. To be accepted was all I ever wanted. With size 12 feet and a penchant for punk music, I dressed differently than others. It was easier to dress in men's shoes, as my size was always readily available. One of the favorite names they used to call me was "combat woman." Because I wore men's combat boots. Not such a bad moniker....better than what they used to call me in grade school.

Speaking of which, one time, I was in 8th grade....we were studying Russia in history class. We talked about Moscow. I remember some bullies calling out MosCOW, in reference to me. I sat in class hearing the boys call me that. They sat in the back of the room, repeating "cow" and laughing. The next day, when I arrived at school, they had written MosCOW on my locker in big letters with a magic marker...impossible to erase, but the janitor tried his best.

Other favorite names they called me were fatty, fat bitch, amazon woman, disgusting pig, hog lady, ugly monster, fat slob. Yeah, I was size 14 -- those motherfuckers. But back in the 80s, if you weren't a size five, count yourself out of *ever* being accepted.  Is it any wonder why I became bulimic? Or a loner?

Back in the day, when they taught square dancing in gym class, all the girls easily paired up with the boys. Often, I was left without a partner. No one wanted to dance with me. Because I was so gross, I suppose. Any boy who had to hold my hand, acted as if they were touching a leper. Is it any wonder why I'm so angry? 

However, I'm also a big-time fighter. I learned to fight the odds against me. Because of all those judgemental jack offs. In gym class, they forced the girls to walk the balance beam. 

 Yeah, that's not me.

Anyway, what a crock of shit....but I was determined to do it. I can remember all the boys laughing while they watched me attempt to climb on the beam. I fell off. Someone called out, "She's too fat." Everyone laughed. And, instead of getting sad, I got angry for the first time.

I remember thinking, fuck you.... I'll show them all. And I began practicing walking the beam at home. Walking on anything with height and a narrow base. We had to perform a series of dance steps on the beam. You actually had to *design* your own routine. I'm shaking my head as I write this...what am I.....a fucking gymnast? Yet, filled with hate and determination, I refused to let the bullies prevent me from succeeding. Although, they tried awfully hard.

Even as I practiced the beam, I still recall all the name-calling directed at me. 

Seriously, I totally understand why some kids shoot up an entire school. 

Nevertheless, I walked the beam every day and designed my own routine. And yes, after three weeks, I performed in front of all those fuckers, despite the ridiculing and giggles. And I whipped ass. Even **I** impressed myself. 

A week later, in music class, my teacher, Mr. Mitchell, took me aside and congratulated me. He said, "I heard a great compliment about you from the gym teacher...she said that girl (me) has alot of gumption." He proceeded to tell me that I was "all the talk "in the teacher's lounge. Me?? Really?? Yes he said. And added, "I've always known that about you."

One of the defining moments in my life.

And regarding all the bullies, I still thought fuck you. I don't need you or your fucking approval. It was **on** after that.  I started fighting back.

Now many years later, I remain bulimic, still an alcoholic and still very much a loner. And I don't mind that last part. I've learned to enjoy my own company and pride myself on not needing anyone or suffer from the desire to belong. 

But don't ever say I cannot do something. ;)