Seclusion. All I've been doing since detoxing from alcohol. Not that I don't have friends upon which to call. I just haven't wanted to talk or be around people. My choice. There's good days. And somber ones. Which describes this week thus far.
Detoxing threw me into my menstrual cycle early - PMS, food cravings, crying for no reason....
Actually, the crying is due to the fact that now, I'm forced to feel everything, instead of drinking the pain away. Debilitating --- that many things I hear or see cause a heaviness in my chest and a wild desire to weep and run. But there's no more alcohol. No place to hide.
Often, I sit in the corner of my somberly gray, L-shaped couch, positioned close to the windows, and stare out, watching neighbors walk their dogs and cars drive by. I contemplate my purpose in life, and what I want to do next besides training.
I pray for a sign. Some insight. A message from the Universe. A Word from God.
Last night I dreamed traveling to the east coast with a friend. We spent time by the coast, near the water. All the rushing waves and white sand and happy people rolling around in the thick of beach fun. Then, it came time to leave for the airport. Running late. Fear of missing the plane. Lots of long lines. Had 10 minutes to board the flight. My friend had magically attained her boarding pass. Me, not so lucky. Ran around looking for ticket counter. My friend boarded the flight. I, however, did not. Then I woke up. Feeling...anxious and "behind."
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Last week I failed to mention something about Billy and I...
On Thursday, I brought Billy a gift:
The size of a silver dollar and SOLID silver. Heavy. Acquired this piece from a yard sale back in my 20s.
The picture above is a mere example what it looked like. Didn't take pix of the medal before I gifted it.
The picture above is a mere example what it looked like. Didn't take pix of the medal before I gifted it.
Placing the holy coin in his dirty hands, his giant blue eyes questioning me, I told him that he needed a good woman to watch over him -- Mother Mary.
He was touched. Passed it around the room to show off what Ruby gave him. I mentioned it was solid silver. Then, thought better of that statement -- I shouldn't have said that.
Never trust a junkie, I thought (and have been told this many times). I sat there, watching people massage and pass around the medal. Billy, watching the others, beamed. He seemed so proud.
Billy's had about a month sober. Formerly a heroin addict. He also loves cocaine.
On that Friday, after gifting the medal -- no Billy at meeting.
Saturday, when few showed up at meeting -- Billy still MIA.
Yesterday, Tuesday -- still no Billy.
Where are you, dear friend? Is Mary still with you or sitting in a pawn shop somewhere?
I'll be at tonight's meeting. Waiting.
Oh Ruby, that makes me so sad about Billy. I hope he will come back soon, with or without the silver medal. I am so happy for you that you've maintained your sobriety. I hope the days get better for you soon. They will get better!
ReplyDeleteRuby I value your honesty. That takes a lot, especially where you are coming from. If it helps at all, I'm holding you and Billy both up in prayer. Life & Faith in Caneyhead
ReplyDeleteOh my Dearest Ruby Girl, my heart hurts for what you are struggling through. Yet I am so very proud of you for staying sober when it would be so much easier to drink. You hit the nail on the head, sobriety means you have to deal with all those painful issues that have been repressed, I know that's harder than any craving or withdrawal can be. Keep doing what you're doing, taking it one day at a time, and have faith, you are so loved that no one is going to leave you behind! XOXO
ReplyDeleteI just cried when I read about Billy and the medal. I've had things like that happen, and it breaks your heart. Bottom line - you gave him a very precious gift, your intentions were pure and your heart was in the right place. What he chose to do with that is on him. I'm guessing that he probably pawned it, got messed up, and is now ashamed to come back. But you keep going, and sooner or later he will resurface.
We can't make the changes in our lives for or because of anyone, as you know from past experience, just as do I. Stay sober for you, look for a new direction for the future for you! Anyone who is intended to be a part of that new life will fit in to the plan, God will work it out, always does!
The good news is, once you get thru this high-hormone week, and DZP being away too, life will look a bit brighter. I know that watching from the window thing, I've done it, my daughter does it too But one day you'll be the one walking by living your life, and maybe you will stop and wave at the girl in the window, and let her know it's going to be ok! OXOX
Fancy, Barbara and Josie -- Thanx ladies for all your support, especially your prayers. We all need them! Your input really matters to me and I do take all your words to heart xoxox
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