It's becoming painfully obvious that I need to stop drinking. In getting ready for Vegas (I leave tomorrow), I needed to cross a few things off my to-do list. Since I would be driving, there was no time for drinking. I do not drink and drive, if I can help it. So I went cold turkey, running errands.
And so the embarrassment begins.
First, drop off my female pitbull, Emma, at a place called the Watering Bowl (WB) for boarding. I ensured she would stay in the high end kennel, instead of a wire cage. Her favorite toy, a Scooby pillow and her favorite blanket in tow. Plus all her food for the week.
In talking with the WB manager, my voice quivered, I felt weak. Then he had me sign a form -- my hands shook violently as I applied the pen to paper. My signature resembled that of a 90 year old woman....bare recognizable. He asked if I was okay. I told him, "It's some new medicine I'm taking."
They call it "Delirium Tremens" -- an uncontrollable shaking of the hands....when you don't get the alcohol your body now needs to function.
I felt less than a person. Ashamed. And desperate.
Next, a visit to the accountant to pick up my taxes. She too asked me to sign some forms. I closed my eyes and asked for stability of my hands. Sure enough, even more shaking. She put her hand on mine, and asked if I was okay. "New medicine I'm on," I replied, without looking her in the eye, as I would normally, when someone shows me an act of kindness.
Then...home. To write several checks to the tax collectors. Over $1,100 owed. Plus four checks which needed to be written. I cannot tell you how degraded I felt, when I couldn't even write my checks without stabilizing my hands. And still, my writing looked like a two year old wrote it. After mailing off the taxes, I immediately (and finally) poured a drink.
You can see the degeneration of my handwriting....from December 'til now.
I can't do this any more, but I'm not sure how I will live without alcohol. I'm tearing up as I write this.
In Vegas, that's all everyone does at the event I'm attending. Copious amounts of drinking.
I've resolved to go back to AA when I return home.
That should be an adventure. Getting clean.
Just want to send you some luck and a virtual hug. I know what a struggle you're facing and I pray you get through it.
ReplyDeleteThank you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm an A to Z minion/helper sauntering through the 'net and checking blogs. You're honesty is admirable. I hope you return to tackle this demon. You can do it. No fear. Just do.
ReplyDeleteI will be waiting to hear from you upon your return Ruby and saying a prayer for you. You will need some help to get through this. Please seek the help you need. You are very brave to make this admission as you have here. I think this is a huge step.
ReplyDeleteWe've already had a good discussion about this post via text, so I just wanted to drop by and leave you some love. I have you're having a fabulous time in Vegas, and that you come home ready to dedicate yourself to the path of sobriety that are longing for. I know you can do it, remember that girl on the balance beam, that determination is still with you! I'll be cheering all the way! I am proud of you for realizing that God is sending you a powerful message with the difficulties you experienced trying to write those checks, the time is NOW! XOXO, Josie
ReplyDeleteWishing you the greatest success with your sobriety! #AtoZchallenge ☮Peace ☮ ღ ONE ℒℴνℯ ღ ☼ Light ☼ visiting from http://4covert2overt.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteJust came across your blog through A to Z. Interesting & honest. I hope your trip to Vegas goes well and you make it back safely. Will be stopping in again.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your support! It means the world to me. It's a tough road but millions have done it. Why can't I? My first AA meeting will be tomorrow. I'm finishing all the alcohol in the house. Nothing will be left. I'm fearful but hopeful and need to develop new and healthy activities. This will be quite an adjustment. I'll need to pray a lot. Cannot imagine myself with out alcohol. But I've got to try. Thank you all again xox
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