Vegas -- fun time. Copious amounts of drinking vodka and rum. My last hurrah per se. The worst part about the trip --- I couldn't put on my make up without my hands shaking violently (and that's an understatement). DZP, my companion, says he believes (my lie) about the psychiatrist upping my meds, which can cause violent hand shaking. My prescription has doubled... and can cause some shaking. However, I sometimes wonder if he knows the truth and doesn't want to embarrass me.
The good news is that today on the way home (flying), I didn't order *any* alcohol as I normally do (at least 4 wines). Hate flying...always very nervous when I'm not in control. Popped way too many Xanex though...5 to be exact and fell asleep. Felt hung over when we arrived home.
My first thought while heading back to the house was "I know I have left over vodka in the fridge." I fantasized about making a valiant effort by pouring it all down the drain after walking through the door.
I didn't.
After DZP left (he drove), I immediately poured a stiff drink, then left for an around-the-corner deli for a bottle a wine and some chicken salad. One last party.
I obsessed over my Delirium Tremons -- the hand shaking. At the airport, I drank a large bottle of water. A man sitting close to me watched. He asked me, "nervous flyer?" My hands shook like crazy while squeezing the liquid into my mouth.
"No, I'm on some new meds," I croaked. Not looking him in the eye. He nodded. Suspiciously. Suddenly I felt everyone watching me. Paranoia, I suppose. I tried to text a few people -- pure torture, because I kept misspelling words. DZP asked if I needed help. "No," I said...."just the meds fucking with me." Lie. Lie. Lie.
Tomorrow -- AA. I'm nervous, but plan to spill my guts at the meeting and look for a sponsor. I hope I can find a good one.
How will I live without alcohol?
The vodka is gone. All's left is that bottle of wine. After that....it's on.
Good for you and good luck. I know this will be incredibly difficult. Glad you're home safe and sound. :)
ReplyDeleteHow will you live without alcohol? Far better than this my dear Ruby, far better than this!
ReplyDeleteMy heart just goes out to you, I once experienced a medication side-effect which caused my hands to shake and an inability to hold my head up properly... terrifying and mortifying, so I know a little of what you are feeling now.
Even in Vegas, with alchol in your system, your body is telling you that it hurts, it wants your attention, now. And I am so very proud of you for listening, for realizing that despite how very scary it is to take this huge step out of prison, it's time!
I'm going to be beside you every step of the way, and will be praying hard for a wonderful sponsor that sees all the beauty and light locked inside of you. I know you can do this, you can do anything when you set your mind to it. One day at a time, and with an awesome guy to encourage you, so this time is going to be different. Do it for you... do it for life!
HUGS and LOVES surrounding you always, Mom2 :-)