Sober 6 days today.
No Alcohol and (few cravings so far)...I think I'm more frightened about the consequences, if I start again and the hell of detoxing. The first few days of DTs, insomnia, paranoia, emotions running wild...
No Xanex other than that one night. No desire either.
However, I am smoking hash. Especially at night. Not something I do all day. Usually, just at night. But I feel like I'll be smoking some after this post.
And the bulemia is back. In full force.
DZP (my boyfriend) has been out of town, and when left to my own devices, I behave like a teenager whose parents left on a long vacation. This weekend was no exception. Had to be one of the lonliest I've felt in awhile, although I know it's important for me to be okay with being alone. And I usually *am* alone, having no family, but alcohol made it okay.
The hash helps.
However, yesterday, I purged 4 times, binge eating on salmon, nuts, string cheese, egg whites, tuna, cheerios. Yeah, all healthy foods, however the rush I felt from purging was indescribable....an intense high, one of relief and satisfaction. I felt powerful.
And with my alcohol addiction, I am powerless.
Seriously, I think pot/hash should be legalized. But I won't step on that soapbox right now.
I didn't want to admit any of this today, but feel it's important to acknowledge to myself what's going on.
-----
Billy wasn't at the AA meeting last night. In fact, hardly anyone showed up at our usual time. I left before the meeting started, feeling rather dejected that my buddies were elsewhere. Where though?
I thought we had a date.
-----
Serious storms headed our way today. Tons of warnings.
I'm skipping AA tonight.
I'm so sorry to read that it's been a rough weekend for you. Being alone is rarely fun if you are used to having the company of others. I know this was a really hard post to write, being real, being honest with yourself is tough... but you did it, and I am proud of your for that. It helps that you are not in denial about some serious issues. I can't say as I agree with you on the hash/pot issue, though I do support legalization. But Ruby dearest, addiction is addiction and it is never good for you. Replacing one with another is scary business. But you know all this, you are incredibly intelligent and very well versed on the subject. I could list several options, but I realize that you are the one who has to make the choices for your life, and it is your determination to conquer addiction that counts. You can do this! Bulimia is scarier yet, I had a niece that nearly died from it. Though I can praise God that she's overcome it and been healthy for years now. We both know that self love/loathing has a lot to do with all kinds of self-medication and self-harm. Keep working on that angle, it will help. Ruby is worthy of being loved. I love her so I know that! :-)
ReplyDeleteDon't skip a meeting because you are unhappy that it was a low-show night last night. Don't take things personally, remember! If the weather isn't too outrageous at meeting time, get your butt there and do it! Just connecting with other people when you are alone helps. So does connecting here, make the rounds, visit some old friends and make some new ones!
Praying hard for you, you've been sober for six days now, and that's a cause to celebrate! It's been a long time since you could say that! Go Ruby, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time!
Ruby... All i can say ... And i am not claiming plagerism... Just brain deadism.... But DITTO ! Joz is so full of wisdom here.. So yeh, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto. I just couldn't have said it better, so i won't try.
Delete---- i remember you from way back when.. CC.. I know Bill BTW, i honestly understand the struggles. Email me ANYTIME ... Soulmange/gmail. Ok? I get it.
Hang in there...
Remember that even if only a few people show up for the meeting, there might be someone there that really needs someone like you to talk to!
ReplyDeleteSix days without alcohol is a major accomplishment. I am sorry to hear about the bulimia. Is it possible for you to seek counseling/therapy? I think this is too much for a person to over come without some help. You are off to a great start though. I'm pulling for you!
ReplyDeleteHey girl -- I think I am caught up with you now. I admire your honesty, honestly. :) I also tell all there is to tell, the difference between you and I is that I have nothing of any interest whatsoever to tell. Bleh. I am proud of you...I'm sure you are tired of all of us saying that, but seriously, I am. What you have accomplished these past six days is HUGE. I cannot give up cigarettes. Or probably the pain meds I take every effing day of my life - which I really hope that someday I get the chance to try. That would mean I no longer need them. And while I am sure I will have big trouble getting away from them, I welcome the challenge to try. So probably someday, I will be turning to you for help, because by then you will be long away from your problems. I'm rooting for you and praying hard. Big hugs old friend --- Jamie
ReplyDeleteHi from the A to Z challenge! It's brave of you to be so honest on your blog, and I hope that you are healthy and feeling well. You've got to know what you want to change before you can change it.
ReplyDeletehttp://bit2read.com/