Q is for Question ... A-Z Challenge

Lost for the past 24 hours. 

Sober 4 days total. 

For the last 3 days, existed on 4 hours sleep. Insomnia is part of the detox process. Didn't help that I drank copious amounts of a black tea blend called "Awake" -- with spoonfuls of sugar -- which replaces sugar from alcohol the body craves during detox.

Last night's AA meeting sent me into an emotional spiral. Lots of pain.

Returning home, all I could do was sit on the couch and weep uncontrollably. Because of a guy named "Billy." More on him later.

So what to do with my sadness. In the past, pouring some vodka solved the ache. Not an option and frankly, didn't want any. Time to call someone....

No sponsor yet. 

With no desire to call the few girls I know from AA (more fucked up than me), I reached out to my bro. A risk, I know, as he is rarely emotionally available. He answered, in his usual sullen and angry tone. Sounded upset and in a rage.....his broker didn't transfer an investment fast enough, so he lost a few hundred bucks. By the way he sounded, you'd think he lost millions. He ranted on and on. Decided not to share with him the details of the meeting and about Billy.

Called DZP (my boyfriend)....he's out of town in a horrible hotel....in an angry and vengeful mood about the company he works for. Decided to just let him vent, told him I loved him, and then called it a night.

There were others I could have called, but didn't. So I sat, debating how to "heal" myself.

I prayed. Watched a few Cat Comedy videos on YouTube. Played with my Emma...

Nothing helped. Tried to close my eyes -- too wired on so little sleep. And reeling from that AA meeting.

I needed sleep. I needed to eat (no appetite).

Seven Xanex later and a few hits of some resin (which is left over black stuff from pot and over time, turns into a form of hash)...I finally fell into a peaceful trance, where I no longer felt the tremendous burden in my heart.

My stash of resin.

Appetite returned and the tears stopped. And then I slept. Twelve hours.

The Xanex is prescribed. I hoard it and never take any unless I'm flying or giving a presentation. Not a great taker of pills.

I don't consider this a "fail"....as my main addiction is alcohol. My desire to smoke resin --- no desire really --- just so desperate last night for sleep and food. The Xanex...ugh....not a fan, but it aids with severe anxiety.

-----

At last night's meeting, when we go around and talk about our struggles, the AA QUESTION of the day was "How do you love yourself" or in other words "self love."

I planned on confessing my anger toward my girlfriend, who asked me to make that 60 mile trip to the airport ... after she knew I was detoxing ...and on only 1.5 hrs of sleep at the time.
I wanted to confess how selfish I was for feeling that anger....and that part of "recovery" is being of service to others. A change of heart and yes, I felt shame for being so selfish. Hard to love myself lately.

My potential topic soon changed because of "Billy," who spoke before me.

Billy--------a late 50ish, gray-haired, bronzed-skin, towering man (6'5") from the Bronx with a long, lean body like a swimmer, large hands with dirt under his nails, black-stained clothing and scuffed work boots. A working man -- perhaps a mechanic. His huge, kind, blue eyes melt your inhibitions. Believe it or not, still handsome, or at least I think so. A bad boy, too. Formally a heroin addict and some alcoholism with a bastard for a father and a long life of abandonment and abuse.

His father never called him Billy....only "lil bastard", "stupid prick" or  "waste of time." In his wonderful deep, east coast accent and abjectly honest replies, he could narrate any story as well as Morgan Freeman. He's a brilliant story-teller, and I could listen to him all day like a wide-eyed child in complete amazement.

He sat across from me at my initial AA meeting and introduced himself to me first as a stranger. He couldn't take his eyes off my shaking hands and asked me many questions about my addiction. The last few meetings, he sat next to me and kept the conversation going with words of comfort and questions of concern for my well-being.

I loved him instantly. A soul friend. His heart. You can always feel in your gut when someone is a good soul. Billy is one of them.

Billy spoke about not wanting to be a mechanic anymore (I was RIGHT!) after 35 years. And having no-self love because of the lack of affection and attention, as well as emotion/physical abuse from his father. He currently lives in his car and works 5 days/wk at a car shop.

And here's where I lost it at the meeting. Billy's voice began to shake and his deep blue eyes filled with tears. I'm paraphrasing his story:

"What will I do with the rest of my life? I'm a piece of shit and no one will want to hire me. Working on cars is all I've known, since my father took me out of school at 13 and made me work in his shop 18 hours a day. No playing with kids or sleeping in. He's woke me at 5 am every morning, and I wouldn't get dinner until after 10pm. In the shop, every time I made a mistake, my father would hit me hard in the head. I didn't want to get hit anymore, so I got very good at working on cars."

He went on and started crying, this gentle giant of a man:

"I don't even know why I was born. To live hell on earth with this addiction. I'm lost and I don't know what to do with my life. I have no self-love. I hate myself most days. I'm worth nothing to no one. No family. You guys in AA are my only friends. And I don't feel worthy being around you because I have nothing to offer anyone. No purpose in this world..."

Yeah, I fucking lost it. The topic of my girlfriend and the 60 miles----fuck that. I had something to say to him. Big time.

My turn. Trying to hold back a storm of tears (fail), my hands shaking as I reached for tissues, I looked him in the eyes and said (paraphrasing):

"It breaks my heart to hear you say those words -- that you're worth nothing to no one --- you mean so much to me, and you don't even know it. You were the first to introduce yourself to me as a stranger and you comforted me when I was scared and feeling lost at my first meeting. You're an amazing storyteller with a tremendous and memorable voice (cue in others saying yes, yes). God has a purpose for you even if right now just being at the meeting comforting and helping others. Your path will be made known by God, just please have faith and please keep coming to these meetings..."

He looked at me and said "Okay then, it's a date."

We both laughed because he says that to me after every meeting:

"See you tomorrow same time?" he asks

"Yes."

"It's a date!" he calls out to me as I walk out to my car.

BIG SIGH. An emotional meeting!

Can't wait to see my Billy tonight.