P is for Prayer ... A-Z Challenge

First AA meeting in over a year. And I trembled in fear, as well as from the Delirium Tremens. Shakey head, arms, hands, all the way down to my knees. Hard to walk. My emotions --- if anyone said anything to me -- I feared I'd collapse in their arms and cry like only an addict can when she can't have her fix. Filled with shame, overflowing in fact.



Pulled up at the "little green house on the corner," (what everyone calls it) where meetings are held. Couldn't locate a picture of this little shack -- but despite it's appearance, so many of us addicts get sober there. With good people around to help.


Stepping out of the car, my entire body shaking...I looked over to the smoking area outside the place. Someone was already waving to me, recognizing me instantly. "There she is! "Bob said, waving both arms wildly, a fellow addict and friend. I almost ran to him, but my legs couldn't take it. So I shuffled quickly to his embrace.


"I've been lost in bottles of vodka and rum," confessing to him, tearing up, hoping it wouldn't matter to him. And it didn't. He whispered, "Been there, done that, girl. But you're back here in my arms and that's all that matters!" I needed to hear that. Others around us smoking, joined in the welcome.


Headed inside and walked into the room. Three elders, Chuck, Paul and Charles, the only ones in the room, all stood up. "There's our Ruby!" they exclaimed. They still remember me. "Take off those sunglasses, girl so we can see those pretty eyes." I did what they asked, and then immediately broke down --sobbing uncontrollably in their arms.


The shaking got worse. They stared at my hands, as I grabbed a shitload of Kleenex, knowing I would need it. "Coffee?" they asked. I said I'd get some. Chuck stopped me, "No, I will get it-- you'll probably spill it all over yourself anyway," he joked. He filled it with lots of cream and sugar (sugar helps in the detox).


Others started walking in. Saw my crying with the elders in the corner. All eyes on me suddenly, probably wondering if I was a newcomer.


Chuck handed me the coffee. I attempted to hold it. Fail. My hands shook so violently. Paul stepped in and held the cup for me, while I sipped through the straw. I felt so cared for, yet so embarrassed at the state of what alcoholism reduced me to.


More entered the room. More stares. Familiar faces coming up to me, taking my trembling paws, trying to console me. Within minutes, the small hot room was packed. We sat in a big square, shoulder to shoulder - about 50 of us with folks sitting outside the room because no more seats. Everyone can see you.


Despite the three rickety ceiling fans, I started sweating profusely. Trying to hold back more tortuous emotions that were welling up. Wiping away tears and sweat. Attempted to drink the coffee with no help, I still shook so violently. Looking up, almost all the room was watching me. Wondering.


Chuck started the meeting, made some announcements. We prayed. I prayed for the courage to speak up and tell my story -- without losing all control and shutting down. In the past, I always spoke either first or second. People remembered my stories -- I was always so transparent about my life, hoping someone could relate and understand. Tonight would be no different.


Seeing how all eyes were on me, I boldly announced first and loudly, "My name is Ruby and I am an alcoholic." Now the ears really perked up. They knew my storytelling. I started sobbing again, but made it through my story, which is detailed on this blog. I especially focused on the Delirium Tremons which was the harbinger of my "rock bottom."


After that, the entire meeting focused on speakers who related to my story: they've been where I'm at; it's hell they said; even warned me I should seek medical attention; gave advice and a shitload of empathy. Instantly, their words started calming me. I was home again, like I never even left. So many thanked me for coming back, adding, "We're glad you're here."


Nice. I was glad, too.


Although they did make me nervous about the side effects of detoxing off alcohol. I promised them if I start feeling ill, I'll drive to one of those Medifirst Care clinics for medication to help with the sickness. So far, I just feel shaky. No nausea, headaches or stomach/heart pain. The worst would be the seizures that can sometimes result in hardcore alcoholics.


After the meeting, I immediately called my bro. Explained to him everything that went down at the meeting. Confessed about the Delirium: "I want you to know about this in case anything happens to me. The next 7-10 days should be interesting." Bro really came through. Very supportive. He told me he wouldn't speak any of this to Roscoe (the ex) who still works for him, but is no longer living with him.


Good. And fuck Roscoe. I'm gonna find a new path to follow.