Bet you didn't see that one coming ;)
Today's word should have been an obvious and immediate selection for me, but I spent over a half hour googling "A" words. When I finally found it on a Scrabble site, I just shook my head and called myself clueless. The one thing I know with 100% certainty is that I *am* an addict.
Having attended multiple AA and Alanon meetings -- yes I have tried to quit -- I would always flamboyantly announce at every meeting "My name is Ruby...and I'm a selfish alcoholic." Never did anyone shame me, because we were all stating the same thing aloud before our turn to speak. This comforted me; I no longer felt alone.
Speaking of which, bro finally broke down and called me. After 4 months of harboring Roscoe and his bad tattoos (giggle). A little tipsy, I aggressively and angrily listened to his probable excuses. He was apologetic. Very much so. Regretful. This calmed me down a bit, but couldn't help lashing out at him. No name-calling. I felt rather dignified yet pious in my speech. Dropped the F-bomb several times. Then, I apologized. And told him all the angry and ugly texts I sent to him recently were written under the influence. Bro understood, he said.
It feels good to be forgiven.
In AA, we were encouraged to right all our wrongs we do unto others. The sooner the better. And I am not above apologizing. That's what addicts do when they're in recovery. Out of recovery, we are sour, sad souls. And very selfish. It's all about the booze and drugs. And deep down we despise ourselves for acting in such a cruel way with others.
Hmm - sounds familiar. The above is not who I am - my addictive behaviors though turn me into mini-monster at times. Then I feel bad. Then I drink. No pain. Cowardly. But let's call a spade a spade.
Admitting I'm an addict keeps me honest.
Another incredibly powerful post Ruby, and one that begins to give me more understanding of the life you lead. I have only known it well - too well - from the outside, as one who loved and cared. It is brutal on both sides. I like that you point out that this is not who you are. It is NOT! It is not the sum total of the beautiful person I know you to be. Yes, you are clearly an alcoholic, dear friend, but you are also so very much more. I wish you could see yourself in that image, as I do. Some day you will.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased to read that your brother called and you were both able to make some amends. Much like it is with my two sisters, being the only blood relations each of you has, it is good if you can live in harmony. You need each other in your lives. From there your family can grow to encompass many more. I think that when we judge ourselves harshly we tend to do the same to others, only seeing the dark side and not giving enough credit for steps made in the right direction, no matter how small. Improving communication is always the starting place. I tread very carefully with my sisters, but I am determined to never let our relationships sink to the level they were not so very long ago. We are STRONG women, both you and I, Ruby, we can decide what we want and make it happen in our lives. Yes you can, I believe! XOXO
Ugh -- so I just wrote a respectful and awesome reply to you josie and it's lost! No I'm not that drunk yet. Suffice to say, I tried to post it and it disappeared. Here's the cliff notes version (again) -- Josie, you are truly a gift from God in my life for having convinced me to start writing again. It's given me a new purpose in life. I'm an insecure writer, but it was and still remains my first and only love besides life coaching. This challenge, which you issued me, gives me a reason to get excited after my small work day. I feel more alive than I've felt before. And it's because of you. God blessed me when he sent you to me again.xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteDearest Ruby, no one is happier than me that you have made your way back to blogging. I issued the challenge because I was led to do so, but it was up to you to make the choice to respond. Everything good happens in God's perfect timing, I believe that! Writing has been and continues to be my salvation as well. Not to mention that I have real friends and real family in the blogsphere from around the world, moreso than I ever have had in my daily life. I am an insecure writer too. I am rarely pleased with my posts, but something compels me to keep working at it and every now and then I come up with a doozy! We love words and writing because deep down we love life, and all that it can and should contain. You are off to an amazing start here. Ruby being real, real with yourself as well as your readers. You can never go wrong with being real. A life journey of a thousand miles begins with a single blog post, and you my dearest friend and sister are on your way! Blessings to you always. You've inspired me to put more energy into my writing efforts too, I haven't been "showing up" as much as I need to, time to get back to being real. Thank YOU!
ReplyDeletexoxo Love you mama! Good night.
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