How fitting.
Blogging about my Dad, the ultimate functional alcoholic. I learned his best practices over the years...how to be an alcoholic, but always keeping it a secret . Never a bum, nor missing a day's work, my Dad provided for us; bro and I never went without. You'd never know that Dad was a binge drinker. Not every day, but when he did drink, he never knew how to stop.
No matter how hung over he was, and the number of times he threw up -- with mom and I caring for him bed side while he vomited at 2am -- he always got up for work at 5 am.
I came home from a Christmas dance one time in high school. All dressed up -- I was over the moon! Then Dad came home. He passed out in the hallway. Mom and I had to carry him to the bed. I was still in my dress. The evening -- ruined.
With only a ninth grade education and a fire and drive to be an entrepreneur, Dad never missed a day of work running his own business (the laundry mat and cleaners in East St Louis, IL), while working as a respected Teamster in the afternoons and evenings. No wonder he drank. When was his life - his own?
Often times, he'd keep me up on the weekends, drinking in the family room until well after midnight, telling me stories while I tried to stay awake, listening to him. After I went to bed, he'd wake me up a few hours later (3am) and tell me more stories. When all I wanted to do was sleep. Mom laid down and refused to deal with him.
I was Dad's only audience. So I stayed up and listened to his war stories from Korea...and the friends he lost in the war.
It was always the ***same*** stories....I could repeat them verbatim but still enjoyed the attention he paid me.....always when drunk though. Listening to him, that's how I figured out *why* he drank -- no one to talk to.... no one wanted to listen to his stories anymore. Plus, he suffered from the disease of alcoholism.
For some reason, I always related to his pain. And would stay up, sometimes until sunrise, when he'd stumble off to his own bed and pass out. Afterwards, there was peace in our family for several hours. Until he woke up.
Here are my tattoos of him. First the neck. With his name : "AL"
Then his initials on my wrists.
Funny, his initials spell AA.
Maybe it's the Universe telling me something. Just realized that now.
Wow, you are covering some serious territory in these posts, laying the groundwork for all that has transpired in your life. You have an amazing grasp of the issues for your Nana, your Mother and your Dad. It sounds like you ended up being the surrogate partner for your Dad, the one he turned to when your Mom had enough and turned away. In doing that the roles got screwed up, and you became responsible for too much too young. The same thing happened to my daughter when she was very young and lived with her father during summer visitations. But it got a lot darker than that. You learned well from your parents how to put on a proper face at all times, make it all look good in public no matter what was going on at home. Obviously you learned your drinking behaviors from him, keeping it carefully under wraps... and eating your up inside as it probably did him.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is a sign that his initials are AA. Too interesting to call it a simple coincidence. The message is that you see the whole picture, from both the outside perspective of a child in the house, and now from the inside as the alcoholic in the house. Being aware of what is happening, and why, are the first two steps... the third is harder..,, what are you willing to do to change the direction your life has been headed. What steps are you willing to take? If you are "not ready" now, what will need to happen to signal that you "are ready"? Big questions to think, about!
I can't wait to see what you do with G! I am loving your A-Z in-depth series, the most interesting one I've found thus far, and the most work put into writing the posts. I suspect that you sleep deeply after finishing one... when we release our pain into words on the screen and hit "send" we are releasing the secrets that have held us prisoners for too long. I love you Ruby Girl. Take care, keep going, one foot in front of the other. I think you are amazing, and your time has come! XOXO
You ask so many valid questions. I'd prefer to respond when I write about "H"...The fact that we've never met, yet led very similar lives in many ways astounds me. Thank you for your detailed responses. It makes me feel as if someone listens and cares deeply for me. That means so much. We all want to be heard and understood. I believe you understand me and for that, I'm grateful. I also agree with you that the AA wrist tattoos are no small coincidence. Amazing stuff. I love it when the Universe nudges us in that way -- to notice the signs. xoxo
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