This is a hard letter to write about, hence my procrastination in posting. The only topic that comes to mind is my mother, Erlene. The fact is, she's dead. And I miss her every day of my life.
Drinking soothes the pain and emptiness, although it's killing my soul, my spirit. I know mom would be "on me" about going back to AA and wouldn't approve of my *daily* in-home bar ritual. Passing by her picture on my dresser each morning, I cannot look at her. The guilt of my addition makes me blind to her kind eyes and warm smile. I always look the other way.
I wouldn't know how to love without her in my life. Having had an alcoholic, unavailable father, and a prick for a brother, without mom, I fear I would have "offed" myself long ago ---the selfish solution. What I love most about myself comes from the gifts that she taught me: Love, compassion, empathy, generosity, selflessness, forgiveness, humility, abject kindness....just to name a few.
Also, how to be a lady. Growing up a rebel, I picked up smoking as my so-called "cool habit." Once, she caught me smoking on the corner, waiting for the school bus. I must've of been all of 14. She waited until I got home to admonish me, saying, "That's not how a lady acts! Flicking cigarette butts on a street corner!"
Fuck the whole it's-not-healthy argument. Being a lady, first and foremost, trumped all else for her. Discretion, for mom, remained her bullet-proof vest. In other words, what people can't see, they can't gossip about. Hence my secretive drinking life.
She believed in a bright future for me, even when I couldn't envision it. Hence my tattoo of her holding a crystal ball:
The pretty lady on the right...
Thank you mom for adopting me. I cannot imagine never having had you in my life. A blessing from God. You mean the world to me, and I can't wait to see you again one day.
Now excuse me, while I go refill my wine glass.
As a mother with a now grown daughter of my own who struggles with life too, this post hit my heart hard. I know what a hole it left in your life when your Mom passed over. What you need to know - to believe - is that she hasn't gone away, Ruby, she is right there watching over you every day. She wants to see you well and happy, she wants to see you using those amazing gifts you listed, that I too know you have! Don't turn away when you pass by her picture, pick it up and embrace and and tell her that you'll keep praying and trying until you find the place that is right for you to be. A mother's love is unconditional, it doesn't hang on what we do that's right or wrong, they love us. I don't know all of your story yet, or how you came to be adopted, but I do know that you must have been such a bright spot in the life of your mother, imagine wanting a child so badly and finally hearing someone call you Mom!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman, Ruby, I know it and I see it, don't sell yourself short, don't take the easy one-way ticket out of life. You have much to do yet in the years ahead. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, for not being everything that everyone else thought you should. Love yourself, allow yourself to be loved. Decide that the past is in the past and it's time to begin again. XOXO, Mom2
PS - I absolutely love that you bear the tattooed the images of the two women who have had the most powerful and loving influence on your life - ever present reminders that you can be all that you were meant to be!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Josie. I cannot explain how much it means to me to be acknowledged by you. I have some friends, but have never met you before. None of my friends know about this blog and they never will. I feel like I can be real in front of you without fear of judgement. All I receive from you is love and kindness which I so crave. You mean so much to me. Thank you for being so "present" in my life. I feel so incredibly blessed. Love you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean Ruby, the people who have read my blog for awhile know me far better than anyone in my everyday life except Papa Bear. We are able to be far more real and open here, and that has been a blessing to me too. As for judging, Mother Teresa said that if we spend our time judging people we will have no time to love them. I much prefer to share love and encouragement... we all need those in our lives, and none of us needs more condemnation, we are hard enough on ourselves!
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