(Check out the skeleton. Yeah, alcoholism kills.)
Before my first husband and I tied the knot, we visited a local psychic. Being skeptical about marriage, I sought the psychic's advice....should we get married?
He brought up a couple interesting things, which still haunt me. He asked two questions:
1) Is someone cheating in this relationship. My (now) ex and I looked at eachother and shook our heads: "Well of course not," I said. Seven years later, come to find out, the ex was cheating with his ex-girlfriend the entire time. Well before we married.
2) Do one of you suffer from alcoholism? Again, we looked at eachother with abject impunity. "No, not that I'm aware of," I said. The psychic replied, "Well, keep an eye on it. It could be a major issue in your life later on."
Still haunted by that reading.
Fact was, back then, circa early 90s, I only drank on the weekends. Never thought about getting high on a daily basis. Wasn't right --the partying begins on Friday, after work, of course. Ah -- those were the days. Never craved it back then, other than a release from working all weekend.
When you're an alcoholic, the disease progresses over time. I'm witness to it. I drink daily now.
Recently, a dear friend asked me a few simple, non judgemental questions about my drinking. I'm paraphrasing here, but she asked, "what small steps can you take toward sobriety? If you do seek help, when will it be?"
Good questions. I think about this daily.
On Wednesday 4/16, I'm leaving for Vegas for my annual pilgrimage to the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Weekender, which I've been attending for the past 13 years. It's like prom for me (I was stood up twice for prom in high school. It's my chance to dress up in vintage clothing, swing dance.....and drink. Heavily). More than 50,000 attend this event. I live for it every Easter).
This event is all about Pabst Blue Ribbon and every kind of whiskey or liquor you can imagine. Held in a casino, there are more than 20 bars inside. When I arrive with suitcases in hand, I never go to the room first. Always the liquor store, a huge one in the casino. And I stock up. Priorities you know.
In so far as seeking help and attending AA again, I'm hoping to do so after Vegas. At least that's been my thought. After my Vegas trip, there's always a huge let down...like the excitement is over, and I have to wait another year for it. I worry about getting caught up in that sadness. There's a huge part of me that is tired of the drinking. But I still love the high and the creative jolt drinking gives me. Especially when I write.
I need to pray about that. God can help save me. If I trust in Him.
What small steps can I take in the meantime? Writing about my addiction, which makes me more aware of what I'm doing. And how I know it's not right.
And I guess that's all I have to say about that.
I smiled at this post, Ruby,because I've seen photos from you attending this event and they were wonderful... it's obvious that a great time is had by all. I can see why you look forward to that get-away each year, a chance to let your hair down, or put it up, and be you and not have to pretend to be anything else!
ReplyDeleteI understand that coming home to the same every-day cycle of life again is a let down, much like after the Christmas season is for many. No excitement, nothing fun to anticipate. It is very easy to fall into depression at those times. Alcohol is self-medication, and a hard habit to break. It may be that it will prove to be just the right time to try another approach to life, take a big step in a new direction. You will know when you are ready to do battle with your inner demons, and I have every reason to believe that you will win!
The "small steps" you are taking now, are not really small steps at all, they are huge ones! First off, you've returned to doing something you love, that is also amazingly good therapy... writing! And wow, you are writing some powerful stuff! Not only is it helping you to document the realities of your life and release the need to hide them, but I honestly can see this become an amazing book somewhere down the road, that could do so much to aid understanding and to give other functioning alcoholics hope to find their way.
It is understandable that you like the high and the creative urge you feel when under the influence. I'm betting you can find a new way to achieve that same high. I'm watching with a smiling heart and expectant eyes. You'll get there Ruby Girl, one step in front of the other, one day at a time! It took me more years to put my life together than it is going to take you! ((HUGS))
Josie -- thank you so much for acknowleding my steps in the process. I'm overcoming a funk right now as I just tried on many of my vegas clothes....and although they fit....it's TIGHT! I need wiggle room. Gained 5-7 pounds since last year. Went to Target today for some back up fatty jeans and capris.... LOL. First year I really don't care. I care.....and don't want to let myself go....but on the other hand, I don't want to berate myself during the vacation because I can't fit into my old jeans. I knew this would happen. Since Roscoe left, I've suffered, but have been rather happy with my new guy. I felt the weight gain. It's under 10 pounds, but still, I'm tempted to turn to my bulemia ...an easy way to lose weight in a short period of time. We'll see. Thanx so much for your detailed comment. Loves you. xoxo
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