So I'm prepping myself for my annual pilgramige to Vegas for the Viva Las Vegas Annual Rockabilly weekender.
Unlike previous years, I'm dreading the prep, the pre-pack....where you try on clothes ahead of time. Yeah. Nothing fits.
I've gained a good 7 pounds, making last years clothes fit....rather tightly. UGH!
Last year, I was super lean, having been with Roscoe in a horrible relationship. I was barely eating, other than protein shakes and salmon.
Now that I've been with my new guy (as of June 21, 2013), I find myself happier, eating out more and splurging on late night snacks more than I ever have in awhile.
I knew this was coming. Yesterday, I hesitantly tried on a few key pieces, and I had to SQUEEZE into them. It's not like I haven't been through this before. My weight fluctuates based on life circumstances. I despise my fat years attending Vegas. Not really fat, but thicker, as most clothes worn for this event are supposed to be snug, show off curves....the cleavage. Mine's more like a lil muffin top, which I cannot stand.
Oh well.
But after attending this event for 13 years, this year especially, I am not so much into competing with the other girls in so far as how "hot" I look. Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. There's no greater peace than being in your 40s and making the best outta what you have, instead of starving yourself for months, just to compete with a bunch of 20 year olds. I'm done.
But not quite yet. I used to IDOLIZE all the bitches at this event...they have bigger boobs, smaller waists, beautiful child-bearing hips, long legs....and maybe a prettier face. You can always tell the boob jobs verses the real ones. *That* made me angry...because real boobs sag a bit. The fake ones look perkier than what they deserve, age-wise. It doesn't seem fair. If I had $8K, maybe I'd feel differently.
I also don't want to replace my boobs every 10 years, which is the sentence of those who get boob jobs, so I hear. It's not a "forever thing."
Always wanted a boob job, but refuse to put that shit in my body just to get the attention of a handful of men. I asked myself, "Why would you do that to yourself? For so little attention? There will always be someone who's got a better bust line than yourself."
Once you turn a certain age, you stop caring....IDOLIZING....the illusion of what you *could* be, based on society's standards. You begin to realize who you are, faults and all, and accept the best you can be, baggage and all.
Although it didn't stop me from throwing up my dinner last light (a cooked sweet potato and a bowl of whole wheat Cheerios). I didn't fit into my jeans....so I didn't deserve to eat. I'm a master at bulimia, another addiction.
Even though I say I don't care or IDOLIZE others who are thinner than me....the comparison of them verses me....haunts me. Maybe I can lose a few pounds before Vegas. It's a disease, like alcoholism.
I actually went to Target and bought a few fatty pants to accommodate my 7 pound gain.....trying to make the best out of it.
I care....but then again, I don't give a fuck. Sick of IDOLIZING woman who are 20 years younger than me.
Why can't I just be my 44 year old me?
I was hoping you'd write more about this today. The reality is that we can't be 21 again, and why should we be. Our society has forcefed women that message of eternal youth long enough. You may be 5 pounds heavier, and yes, I know that just that much makes clothes feel snug, but you are far and away healthier both physically and mentally than you were a year ago. I can tell you all day that you re in great shape and look beautiful, but we both know the reality is that YOU and the one who needs to see it, accept it, and believe it. Look at the standard for beautiful women in the 50's - they weren't stick women with sunken in faces, they had curves! And men thought that was attractive - real men still do!
ReplyDeleteWomen with fake boobs are a dime a dozen, but very rarely have I seen it where they look age appropriate and size appropriate enough to appear natural. If you have to add fake parts to appeal to a man, trust me, he doesn't love you, and when you get a bit older then what? More plastic surgery, tightened faces, lifted butts? Where does it end in the search for the fountain of eternal youth? Most often it ends up where we see some of today's Hollywood figures - looking ridiculous and anything but beautiful.
I can't preach enough at you to love yourself. I don't know much about this new guy yet, but I'm hoping and praying that he loves you with the little muffin top and your own unique beauty and sense of style. If he doesn't, if he's window shopping elsewhere... show him the door. Attraction is so much more than what a package is wrapped up in, or it should be!
I'm glad you got some jeans and capris that fit more comfortably. Go to Vegas, have an awesome time, take lots of pictures, and note that you are smiling, that's what life is really all about, Ruby girl, not an endless struggle to alter what is, but making the best of it and then enjoying the experience. Life is not a problem to solve... or a body to fix! Be healthy, eat right, and don't yield to the temptation to purge. You can do this, you are a strong woman. Love Ruby, she deserved it as a child and she deserves it even more now. 44 IS beautiful... wait 'til you get to 60 like me! ;-) XOXO, Josie
Josie -- thank you for your wise words. I'm still so self-conscious about my body image, being a trainer and all....but I think that's why I got into personal training....to feed my addiction. Back then, my fantasy was to train others and always have instant access to work out constantly, learning the best moves to lean me out. Over the years, and after realizing a nice body couldn't keep Roscoe faithful to me, I grew weary of the 3 am workouts and constant dieting. In my first marriage, I was a happy lil fattie who worked out occasionally, until I found out my ex husband was cheating on me. Then I came to the conclusion that I didn't take good enough care of my body...hence why he cheated?? Well at least I believed it then. So I became obsessed with working out. Did it for the wrong reasons (To keep my man). Lessoned learned. I need to just do it for myself. Nowadays, I'm not too much inspired to work out anymore. I know I'll get bk into it, but for now, I'm revolting. Thanx for your response. xoxo
ReplyDelete