When I buy my booze every other day, and as I carry the bottle out of the store in a sloppy blue plastic bag at 9 in the morning, I wonder what God thinks.
My day starts at 4 in the morning. I'm often up at 3 am. All I think about is finishing the few clients I train. Then, getting home in time for the Today Show. By 8 am. With my booze. I love day-drinking. I can be so productive at that time of the morning. When I pay all my bills. Usually high.
I adore getting high in the morning. So taboo. Nothing better than drinking water, vodka and lime before 9 am. Feels so naughty. No one checking on me. Other alcoholics I know wait until 12 noon. They at least have family -- mothers and fathers. I use my orphan state as an excuse to behave badly.
Fact is, I don't give a shit. My floors are scrubbed, bills are paid, windows washed, dog poop scooped, plants watered... everything done by 12 noon. Then I take a nap. Awake by 3pm, and then I start sipping again.
God keeps me going. So I tell myself. I have faith.
I dream of Him telling me "keep going." Even though on most days, I'm not satisfied with myself and feel guilty because of my addiction.
I always insure I've accomplished a to-do list each day while drinking, which, after achieving, justifies my drinking... "Well at least I accomplished this, that, and the other" I tell myself.
I'm not a complete failure.
No one watching over me except myself. I'm quite a bad caretaker. But at least I set daily goals for myself before imbibing.
Wow -- that sounds pathetic.
But that's who I am for now. God accepts me. I know He does.
Yes, most assuredly God loves and accepts you, and so do I, Ruby! No, you are not a complete failure, you are not a failure at all, because you keep trying at life, you get up each day and accomplish more than I do! Having a "to do" list is a great way to make sure that you are participating in life and not letting things slide. You are very honest about yourself and your situation and I admire that so much, it helps me to understand. While of course I wish that you could do all these things without the comfort that alcohol brings you, I know that the only one who can make a choice to change that is you, and no one else needs to add to your feelings about your self by putting you down. You are a beautiful woman, Ruby, you help people feel better about themselves, and truly care about people and furkids too. Writing is a great step you have taken to help find the direction you want for your life, and I appreciate so much that you take the time and have enough trust to share it with us. Take care, smile, know that you are loved! XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words Josie. It means so much to know I am not judged by you. Folks are so quick to judge at times --thinking they're meaning well -- when in reality, their words provoke an addict even more. An addict will use any excuse to drink/use. Thank you for being there for me. It's because of you that I started writing again -- my first love! You, my dear, are my second.... xoxo
ReplyDeleteIf there's one thing I know for sure in life Dear Ruby, it's that someone telling you that you are wrong or bad or shouldn't be doing what you do only leads to more self-loathing and greater feelings of isolation. We ALL do things we shouldn't do, things that are hurtful to ourselves or others, and most of us, including you, keep trying to do a little better with this complicated journey called life. I have no doubt you'll find your way, but it will come from inside you and not from people pointing, pulling, and prodding. We move forward when we began to believe that we must or we can. I am here to reassure you that the power lies within you, and within God's loving hands! xoxo, Josie
ReplyDeleteThank you darling! Well-meaning folks who give their opinions and who've never experienced the effects of alcoholism, often make it worse for the alcoholic. I try to acknowledge their caring....and then shuffle home, feeling worse about myself, which leads to more self-medicating. Maybe because I know they're right. And I'm not ready. Thank you for always being so kind to me. It uplifts me. xoxo
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